In which my Heart melts like Plastic Man: Parenting as a Comic Book Fan

I’m a smart guy… I like to think I am anyway. I have a lot of skills, I have a lot of knowledge, I have three degrees, and I have a ton of Comic Books. I also have a 2 year old son, who is my absolute world. So when I was watching him earlier today, it surprised me to hear him ask for something I could not do – he asked for me to draw him a picture. Now in all honesty, this post isn’t what this blog has been about in the past, nor is it what I want it to be about in the future, but it’s my place for my musings and I can do whatever I want. So there. Besides, this blog was inspired by my Dad’s comic book collection, so why not talk about my own experiences with my own son. That being said, when he asked me to draw with him, I promptly freaked out. I had no idea what I’m doing.

Seriously – no idea what I’m doing…

 

Now I have drawn some before in the past, but it’s always been… well… bad. I’m not an artist, it’s a skill I do not have, and I hate that, but really, it’s just not in my wheelhouse, and I’m not ashamed to admit it, but when you study something like comic books as a historian, and looking at the cultural and societal norms that have dictated not only the story direction of these books, but also the art direction, you end up pretty jealous of those who can partake in the creation of those stories. So when my son asked me to draw The Flash for him, I promptly freaked out.

My son is a smart kid, and he thinks the world of me, I see it on his little face every time I look at him. He smiles at me when my wife pulls up and I come out to get him, and his laughter lights up my day like nothing else. I never want to let the little guy down. So how would he respond when he sees that I simply can’t draw to the standard of the things he sees in his books about Superman and Batman? When he realizes I’ll never be able to duplicate the amazing art he’s seen as he flips through my trades and even through the Marvel Previews magazine? What happens when he sees that my Flash is nowhere near on par with Brett Booth’s amazing artwork? Well… why not as Brett Booth himself for advice!?

Just an example of Brett Booth’s work. Now go follow him @Demonpuppy

I immediately took to twitter and asked him. Go follow him now if you have any interest in art or anthropology at all, Mr. Brett Booth, @Demonpuppy is a heck of an artist, especially with Flash, Booster Gold, and Dinosaurs, three of my favorite things. He’s one of my very favorite artists. I was freaking out with all these things running through my head when I took to twitter to ask for advice about making a drawing for my son, and Mr. Booth responded, art school for the baby if he likes it, out of luck for me – if I’m bad now, I probably can’t be helped! I get that, I’m on board with that, and he’s completely right.

 

However, in between the freaked out, panicked tweet sent out of a sense that I might somehow disappoint the cherubic child holding out a marker to me, and actually sitting down with some printer paper, a blue marker, and a pack of crayons (I’m no artist, and lack even the most basic of supplies) something magical happened.

It wasn’t this.

My son lay in the floor across from me, and we put pen to paper together. He had changed his mind by then, and wanted Superman instead. I immediately thought of Jerry Ordway, Dan Jurgens, and others who had drawn the Man of Steel, and knew I simply could not match their prowess, but I had to try – and the tiny Mister in front of me didn’t mind. He drew with a red crayon, me with a blue marker and I drew Superman to the very best of my ability. It was, in my son’s eyes, a masterpiece. It was with joy he held the the picture in his tiny hands and said “It’s Superman!” and sang a few notes of the old Superman movie theme (a common musical cue in our home) before he held out his own drawing – a red scribble over a black scribble. Then he said something that brought tears to my eyes: “It’s Plastic Man Daddy! I drew Plastic Man!”. Damned if it wasn’t the best Plastic Man I’d ever seen.

Plastic Man – Clark, 2016

By now, Brett Booth had responded, and I had sent him another tweet telling him nevermind, I’m having fun with my son. Spending time with him is the best, he loves me, and I love him. Despite my love and enjoyment of comic books, and the works of the great artists of the genre, spending time with my own son, making art together, and hearing him tell stories that rival those I read from Geoff Johns, Mike Carlin, Alan Moore, and amazing writers is far more important to me than actually soaking up the mythos being developed at DC and Marvel. Seriously, if you haven’t heard my kid’s epic Aquaman Goes to the Library you’re missing out.

 

This got me thinking – sometimes, we spend so much time engrossed in our own worlds, and those other worlds that we love, that we can miss something so amazing right in front of us. I love my kid so much, and I cried when he showed me his Plastic Man just like I am crying a little bit now as I write this. My kid is the best, and even if I don’t have the skills to make something worth publishing, he’ll love it. That’s the nature of children. In a world where media is consumed by Superheroes, we’re the real super heroes to our kids, and we need to remember that. This is something I think all parents could take something away from, and shows just how much it can mean to your kid just to do something fun with them – even if you’re absolutely terrible at it.

In which we preview an upcoming post…

Happy Wednesday everyone! I’m since last week we saw Superman issue 2 hit the shelves, and I LOVED it, we’re going to take a look at in my opinion, one of the best characters ever to hit DC Comics. I’m not talking about Booster Gold, or Guy Gardner, or any of the other random characters I think are better than Batman, Joker, and Harley Quinn (and laaws-a-miiteey do I hate Harley Quinn) but The Eradicator. I mean, just look at this guy:

 

He’s the freaking 90’s incarnate. I love, love, love The Eradicator. Since (SPOILERS) he popped back up last week, I’ve been squee-ing like a little girl in between bouts of Pidgey catching, and digging through the Bro. Mike Collection (the name I’ve given Dad’s comics) looking for any appearances of this totally awesome character. I’ve got a lot, and therefore, have a lot to read.

 

All this is for you Dear reader, because I’m putting together a short ‘biography’ of this dude, just in case anyone wants to jump on board with new comics at this time. We’ll take a look at the old, to usher in the new!

 

All that being said, I’m back to the stacks in order to pull all the appearances I can and get the best possible product to all of you out there.

 

Until then, here’s The Eradicator punching Guy Gadner.

 

BROK on everyone!

In which it’s loosly implied Superman wants to throw Jimmy Olsen into the Sun – Also Superman punches a dude to death.

I’d like to take a moment to apologize for being ‘away’ for a couple weeks. In that time, I’ve thought a lot about this blog, what it means to me, and what’s out there that already resembles this type of thing. There’s an awful lot of comic book fans out there, and there’s an awful lot of them that are internet savvy. Therefore, there are a lot of blogs about this sort of thing.

 

I’ve been thinking about what might be different about this blog. The biggest difference of course, is that other blogs don’t have me. I’m a trained historian. Therefore, I’d like to do recaps and reviews of books on Wednesdays, it being New Comic Book Day and whatnot, and then throughout the week, do some analysis of the actual issue from a historical perspective, looking at ads and historical context for given situations to the best of my ability.

 

That being said, I hope to be posting a lot more often. Maybe some of the posts won’t be as long, and I may not even cover a backup story if it’s especially lame. I’d also like to look at heroes other than Superman, maybe take a look at Firestorm, or (shudder) Warlord. Seriously, who besides Dad really liked Skartaris? At any rate – on with today’s issue – Action Comics 358.

Go away Kamandi – no one likes you

 

 

Comics books have been around for quite some time. Even before Superman’s debut in Action Comics #1, there were a plethora of comics available for the youth of Depression Era America to partake in. That being said, my Dad was born in 1955, and was therefore not old enough to collect those. What he did have, were many books from the 1960’s. Still, he was a kid back then, and as kids are wont to do, he lost many books to mistreatment, misuse, and general kid-like behavior – not to mention the fact that Granny threw out a LOT of his comics when he left for college. This being the case, there are a lot of gaps in Dad’s collection, and while I’m trying to supplement his collection with finding back issues of Action (thanks for holding on to those for me Shannon!) I’ve got to work with what I have.

Thanks again Shannon -and Phil. You can check out Phil’s stuff over at http://www.RSRGentertainment.com – he’s okay.

 

 

So today, instead of moving on to Action 313, we’re jumping all the way to Action Comics 358. Action 358 was ‘cover dated’ January 1968 with a publication date of January 1968. The story was written by Leo Dorfman, the man who gave us the first iteration of Superman Red/Superman Blue, and the art was done by legendary Superman artist Curt Swan, as well as George Klein on inks. I believe the cover was also done by Klein, as it looks a little ‘grittier’ than Curt Swan’s art usually is. I could be wrong, and if so, someone please correct me.

 

Speaking of the cover, what a tease!

This cover doesn’t have a lot going on, but it says quite a bit in what little there is. Superman looks sad, there’s an ambulance in the background, and a medic announces that Superman has killed someone with his bare hands. The title is Superman: Guilty of Homicide and boy does it show on this cover!

 

The title page itself continues this theme showing Superman in a police lineup and swearing that ‘he didn’t mean to’ like some kind of animated Batman Villain.

“I didn’t mean to!” -Baby Doll

 

The inside front cover by the way, is pretty interesting given that it advertises models of the Apollo program ships, and remember, this is 1968, over a year before man landed on the moon. Pretty interesting if you ask me! More on this in a later post!

 

So on to the story…

 

“Bullets” Stacy was dead to begin with. (what a way to start something, amirite!?) He’s being pronounced dead by a doctor, and then wheeled into an ambulance where it appears as though the drivers are taking his organs to be harvested. At last, this criminal (and I’m assuming he’s a criminal because his nickname is friggin Bullets) will do some good. Or will he?

 

After only a couple panels, the story jumps to a nice suburban neighborhood where a young girl makes her Daddy promise to bring her home a dolly. We find out quickly that this man is Ron Noble, one of the richest, most philanthropic men in Metropolis, a big player if ever one existed!Except I’m pretty sure he never showed up before and really hasn’t since. Of course, there’s probably a good reason he hasn’t shown up since, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves!

 

Ron makes it to work where he appears to be a banker and where he appears to really jsut dislike his secretary. He’s off to his private vault and is not to be disturbed. What’s in the private vault you ask? The Stock Market, but not just any stock market, the eeeevvvviiiilll stock market. So like… the real one if Bernie supporters are to be believed. (I like Bernie, but his average supporter is kind of an idiot).

I believe Comcast is listed here as well.

 

But seriously, just look at this place! It has the “Crime Corporation Stock Quotations” right there on the wall complete with ‘Crime Statistics Computer’, ‘Underworld Criminal Exchange Ticker Tape’, and even ‘Gangland News Teletype’! This place is on point with it’s ability to effectively trade crime stocks, and as Mr. Noble says: “I’m Chairman of the Board!” That’s right, our unassuming philanthropist and father is the head of a massive criminal stock market!

I hear they brought it in on one of Mitch McConnell’s ships…

 

Noble oversees his traders and witnesses sales of things like Smuggler’s Inc. and even buys shares in Kidnap Inc. himself acting on a tip!

(It’s Ned Clampett)

 

Only a moment after walking through the trading floor, he is notified that a ‘stiff’ has arrived and that Dr. Frost is ready to start ‘the operation’. Mr. Noble responds by pimp slapping the daylights out of the man because he should have been informed as soon as the corpse got there.

 

It turns out the corpse is that of our ol’ buddy Bullets, and that this Dr. Frost (who honestly looks like a super-molesterey Harry Potter!) intends to reanimate him in an effort to further his science… stuff… Turns out Dr. Frost has been disbarred for performing illegal operations on the human brain. Specifically, with “Hyper-Electron Energies to the Brain-Circuits!”

It’s Franken-Shteen!

 

Suddenly, the corpse awakes! It’s revealed that Bullets is alive… ALLIIIIIVVVEEEE I SAY! But only for about 10 hours, and in those hours, Bullets will be able to earn a cool million dollars, money he can leave his family, by playing the victim to one of Ron Noble’s dastardly schemes!

 

The plan is this: Superman is set to box Jimmy Olsen (I hope he punches that little punks head off!) But Bullets is to take his place, allowing himself to be killed in the ring, thus discrediting Superman, as he’s broken his code and killed a man. Superman will be branded a reckless murderer, and Noble will have a huge player off the field! Bullet’s takes the job.

If given a second chance at life – take it, and use it to try and punch Superman in the gonads.

 

Meanwhile, Jimmy is getting ready for the match. He gets in his car and is immediately gassed, wrecking his car, and putting him under for the time being. This is the most useful Jimmy has ever been as far as I can tell.

Go bad guys, go!

With Jimmy out of the picture, Bullets heads out to the match, and promptly drops dead. Seriously. Someone almost hit him in their car and it scared him so bad he died.

I hope his family is still gonna get that million bucks…

 

Bullets is out of the picture. Noble suggests that one of his other henchmen take Bullet’s place in the ring, a suicide mission, by drawing cards. Noble himself draws the Ace of Spades (which is apparently Universal Mobster for “You gon’ get jacked up, son” and heads off to the match. His men soon discover he stacked the deck and wanted to go…

“The Boss” might be kind of an idiot…

Turns out this charity boxing match is for a Playground Dedication of all things. I was unaware those things actually happened, but hey, it’s the 1960s. Why not? Anyway, the match is on hold because Jimmy hasn’t shown up (like he ever would anyway. Superman is always saving his bacon, but when Supes needs Jimmy, where is the little ginger punk? Probably napping somewhere.) But wait! A stranger in the crowd approaches!

 

“Boxing is my hobby! I’d be glad to spar a few rounds with you!”

 

Superman thinks to himself that this good sport deserves to be taken gently, leading me to believe Superman did not think the same thing about Jimmy and was prepared to throw him into the freaking sun like so many dangerous alien artifacts before him. The implications are of course, that Superman likes Jimmy about as much as I do…

Can you really blame either of us?

 

So the boxing match begins! Ron Noble with the first punch, a body blow that Superman easily dodges!

 

A left haymaker! ‘Zipp’! The Man of Steel ducks away!

 

A right cross? No dice, as The Last Son of Krypton easily steps back does a little wiggle dance, and proclaims himself the greatest!

 

Well… no so much that last part, but still…

 

Ron Noble is getting tired in the next panel, he’s actually hit Superman by now at least a dozen times apparently, one is even an uppercut that Superman simply takes. Ron thinks it’s like throwing marshmallows at an elephant. Superman decides it’s time to finish this, and lays a harmless tap on Ron’s jaw, at which point the mobster ‘goes into his act’.

Can we even still say Powder-Puff?

Ron is down for the count and bites a capsule he’s hidden under his tongue that will allow him to feign death. (Apparently Ron is a Hun-tard. Wonder where his animal companion is?) THe ref states he’s not breathing, and even Superman can’t pick up a heart beat with his Super-Hearing. Paramedics arrive, but it’s too late. Ron Noble, head of the EEEEVVVVIIILLL Stock Exchange, has died.

 

The police arrive and take superman into custody to book him… for homicide.

What? You’re not gonna cuff him?

Now I’m no expert on boxing. But it seems to me the best precedent for this would be a 1930 fight in which Max Baer killed Frankie Campbell in the ring. In this case, Baer was charged with, and acquitted of manslaughter… not homicide. But still, I can sort of understand the police choosing the homicide charge given the incredible negligence of Superman in getting into the ring with a mere mortal.

 

I bet if he had fought Jimmy, he’d have gotten a parade.

I.

Hate.

You.

Superman is next seen being questioned… by the Coroner. Seriously? Why is the Coroner doign the questioning? And seriously, why are Ms. Noble and their roughly 6 year old daughter there? That’s kind of messed up.

 

The Coroner points out how irresponsible it was for Superman to be in the ring with an ordinary man, and although Superman claims he was controlling his powers, the Coroner decides to show him the results of his control, and brings in the body.

I’m entirely certain this is not okay.

 

The coroner pulls off the cover, revealing the corpse. WITH THE DAUGHTER AND WIFE IN THE ROOM! What is wrong with this dude.

 

Oh wait, it’s not a read body — it’s just a mannequin! Designed for Superman to punch lightly and translate that punch into a dial that will show just how hard Superman hit him. Also known as the best invention ever! Seriously, why does this thing exist except to screw with Superman. The dial reads Bruise – Fracture – Concussion – Coma – and Death. This things only purpose is to judge how hard Superman hit someone.

LexCorp has a whole R&D section dedicated to machine that screw with Superman

 

And it’s been rigged to show ‘death’ every time! Because the Coroner is actually Dr. Frost in disguise! And he reveals (in his thoughts!) that he replaced Noble’s suspended animation pill with one that will actually kill him!

Maybe leave the mask on till you’re back at your ‘lair’

Superman is booked for Frost’s crimes, and he’s fingerprinted. Which makes me really hope Clark Kent is never fingerprinted or some desk sergeant is going to find out something Superman has worked very hard to keep secret.

 

And that’s the end of the story this week. I’ll post some more about the ads and whatnot later in the week, and if anyone has any questions, I’ll answer those too! If you do have any questions, you can ask them here in the comments, or email me at thisoldcomic@gmail.com We also have a Facebook page at www.facebook.com/thisoldcomic remember to like the page to stay updated on all the new posts coming down the pike. Next week we’ll be taking a look at Action 359 in which the Trial of the Century begins (and ends!)

In Which Shooting People is Apparently a Valid Form of ID

Hey all, Tom here again. I just wanted to say, for the last post we’ve had over 1500 unique views so far. I don’t know what the deal is, but I’m hoping it keeps up! Also, if you have any questions, comments, corrections, or just want to talk about comics, feel free to like our fan page on Facebook by searching for This Old Comic. You can also get in touch with me at thisoldcomic@gmail.com. I’m really glad people are enjoying this stuff, and I’d like to hear from folks who are reading as well!

 

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about Action 312. This story is the conclusion of the King Superman story arc that started in the last issue (Action 311) This time, the story is called King Superman versus Clark Kent, Metallo! It was written by Robert Bernstein, with pencils by Curt Swan and inked by George Klein. Publication date for this issue was May 1964.

 

Let’s look at the cover for this thing first. This cover is honestly kind of shocking. It features Clark Kent, complete with a Metallo body and chunk of Green Kryptonite attempting to assassinate King Superman on his own throne whilst wearing that sweet, sweet Pope hat he got for himself last issue.  Remember, this is an era where what appears on the cover is going to happen somewhere in the book, or at least something similar will happen.

So there’s that to look forward to!

 

The introductory panel also gives little hints as to something that will happen in the story. This time, the first page has a panel of Superman carrying a small boat called Perry’s Pleasure. The boat contains Perry White, Clark Kent, Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen, and uh… some other guy? Seriously… who is that? A Young Bibbo Bibowski? (MMMM… Soder!) Perhaps it’s that Bronco Bill fella, trying to creep on Supergirl through her cousin? (Creeeeepy!) Or Maybe Curt Swan just put himself in the book. He did that from time to time. Either way, this guy looks like a brown haired Jimmy sans freckles.  

So like every other nameless background character without any dialogue during this period.

 

Superman has also declared that he’s no longer the Man of Steel, but the Sultan of Steel. Maybe it’s just me reading too much into this, and Bernstein was just going for some alliteration, but it seems to me that invoking an Islamic term like Sultan would have illustrated to readers at the time, who were, demographically speaking, mostly a bunch of white kids and teens just how ‘evil’ Superman had become. But that’s just speculation on my part.

 

Potential 1960s Islamophobia everyone.

 

The story actually starts off in earnest with Perry letting the Planet Staff know that King Superman is making a decree. They turn on the television and find that the decree is a No-Fly zone over his palace. “Nobody but NOBODY may approach my stronghold” (Meah, see!)

Perry declares him a power hungry madman and as Lois asks what they can do about it, Perry mentions that Clark came to him just that morning and suggested an ANti-Superman “Underground”! Lois doesn’t seem surprised by this, given that she was there at the meeting! Seems like Perry may be hitting the bottle again.

If only Cat Grant were here too! Then it’d be a party.

 

At any rate, Perry has offered up his boat as their meeting spot. They’ll leave the planet in pairs so as not to arouse suspicion. Clark and Jimmy leave together and quickly run into two ‘gentlemen’ who appear to be Dick Tracy villians. It was a common thing in comics at this time to draw people who were doing nasty things in a nasty way, and these two are no exception. The one in the foreground looks like your friends jerk of a grandpa, and the fella with him looks like fat Hank Hill. They’re basically just harassing Clark and Jimmy for having been friends with that ‘Super-Rat’. Nevermind that they’re on their way to a meeting on how to overthrow him.

 

Jimmy though, seems confused by all this. As they approach his fan club… wait… what?

Yeah, Jimmy apparently has a fan club. At first I thought it was a Superman fan club that Jimmy was like, the President of or something, but there was a sign. A sign that says Jimmy Olsen Fan Club. This kid seriously has his own fan club!

 

 

I hate you silver age Jimmy Olsen… seriously.

 

At least he had his own fan club. A hoard of his former fans are out front burning all his stuff because it has Superman on it. I’d like to point out here, that a Super Powered despot like Sultan/King/Pope Superman would not stand for the burning of his image, and these kids would likely be Super-Laser-Eyed into Oblivion like a bald man calling down bears, and yet nothing.

Just Jimmy being ridiculously understanding about Superman becoming a tyrant and a bow tie wearing walking bowl cut insulting him.

 

Clark then reminisces about how it all came to this and basically recaps the last issue. Complete with the scene where he gets high as balls on some of that sweet sweet Heisenberg nose candy – er… Red Kryptonite fumes.

Following the recap of how all this happened, Clark reflects on how “Every flag, even our own blessed (Clark is Methodist after all) Stars and Stripes, was replaced with his egotistical symbol!” and then drags Jimmy off to the meeting on Perry’s Planet.

 

Now I count a total of four people on the boat, so Phantom Guy at the beginning isn’t there now. I’m gonna call it that it was Booster Gold the whole time. I love Booster Gold so much.

Suddenly, as the boat is sailing towards a deserted cove, Sultan/King/Pope Superman arrives, picks up the boat, and flies it to a sand bar where he leaves it beached as a warning to his ‘best friends’ not to mess with him. He’s the King! Or whatever. I can’t tell who says it, but we get an excellent use of the “Great Caesar’s Ghost!” here as well.

 

After the tide raises the boat and they all get back, Clark returns to his apartment where he stores a triad of Superman Robots… apparently. Because having three lifelike copies of yourself in your downtown apartment is completely normal in 1964 or something.

 

Taking one of the suits off the robot in case he needs it, he sends the three to fight the Despot of Steel. Now honestly, at this point, I was all “Okay, I see where he’s going. He’s gonna implant some Green K inside the robots! It’ll be like the front cover, and we’ll get a resolution somehow!”

 

I was wrong. Such a very, very, there’s mermaids in this story yet, level of wrong.

 

Superman destroys the robots in short order and brings their severed heads (seriously… the CCA sticker is on the cover here. Severed heads CCA? Do your jobs) back to Clark Kent. Superman repeatedly insults Clark and makes the Mild-Mannered milquetoast wish he had a hunk of Kryptonite. Then suddenly, BRAINWAVE! Although Superman has all the Green Kryptonite (the government apparently doesn’t have) Supergirl, Linda Danvers, might have some lying around her basement!

 

Because I know I keep a leaking tank of chlorine in my basement right next to the weapons grade uranium I leave lying around on tables.

 

Clark makes his way to Midvale and breaks into the Danvers house since the family is apparently on vacation. How do we know they’re on vacation? Because a patrol car outside has noticed Clark prowling around the Danvers place with a flashlight! Them Midvale Police Department is apparently a trigger happy bunch, because they tell Clark to come out with his hands up or they’ll just open fire.

 

On a house.

 

With Service Revolvers.

 

Seriously, they’re going to shoot at the house with all twelve of their shots. I think Clark could probably get out of this okay. Instead, he puts on the Superman suit he jacked from his robot and steps outside. The cops are absolutely stunned to see Superman, who claims he spotted a prowler and wanted to help. Not really believing him, the cops decide to test his identity. Do they ask for ID? Some sort of Super feat? Do they ask to try and cut his hair? Do they ask him to pick up their car? No… what do they do?

THEY SHOOT HIM IN THE STOMACH

 

Clark simply takes the hit. He basically just grins and bears it, apparently well enough to convince the cops he’s actually Superman. Now I’ve never been shot, but I don’t think I could just stand there, hand covering my bullet wound and smile as the police move out. I tend to think I would be more like Clark in the next couple panels where he’s stumbling through the city and finally passes out and falls off a bridge into the Midvale River.

When he wakes up, he’s in an Atlantean Hospital with his half-fish sometimes girlfriend Lori Lemaris! This is the Pre-Crisis version of the character Clark would actually try and propose marriage to in like, 1987 or something. She’s kind of a big deal. She is also apparently friends with the freshwater mermaids, as some of her comrades found him in the River and brought him to Atlantis, which is decidedly not at the bottom of Midvale River.

Lori tells Clark he’s dying, and that nothing can be done, then pleads with him to think of a way to save his life. Clark then has the best idea ever. He recaps the origin of Metallo from Action Comics #252 in which John Corben has his brain transplanted into a robot body powered by Kryptonite. Surely with all of Atlantis’ technology and their massive stockpile of Green Kryptonite, they can do something similar!

While Lori is hesitant about this, Clark convinces her and the Doctors to go through with the Operation. When we next see Clark, he’s no longer just Clark Kent, but Clark Kent: Metallo! Using a fake suicide vest, he talks his way into The Tyrant of Tomorrow’s throne room and threatens to blow the place up, taking both he and King Superman down at the same time. Cowed, Superman agrees to talk, which is really just a ploy for Clark/Metallo to open up his chest plate and begin his assassination of King Superman!

 

Superman reminds Clark that if one of them dies, the other must as well! Clark/Metallo states that Assassinating the Tyrant Kryptonian is worth the price just before Superman claims he’s making a terrible mistake!

 

You see, Superman has been good the whole time and just faking being evil! Since Red K never affects him the same way twice it made two good entities this time! The reason Supes has been faking it is because he heard an alien broadcast in the second he was split stating that the Red K asteroid was no asteroid, but a weapon that would Ice the Ocean, Destroy the fake New York with an earthquake, and destroy a mountain like it was a nuclear explosion! Superman staged that he had done all these things so the people of Earth would not panic! He even informed the world leaders that he was doing such things while having time for a side trip to the home planet of the weapon where he discovered a dead world, destroyed by war. The weapon is just on automatic.

But, here they are, Clark about to kill Superman and now it’s too late to stop the weapon unless Clark shuts off the Kryptonite.

 

So Clark does.

 

Seriously, Clark buys it. I have no idea why, but even after all Superman has done Clark buys it. At that moment, the effects of the Red Kryptonite end, and Clark Kent/Metallo’s fleshy bits rejoin Superman and the robot body falls away, leaving one intact, good guy Superman with just enough time to save the world!

Superman goes to the UN, tells the real story, and is shown in the final panel lovin his ladies. Lois, and I guess that’s Lana are all over him. It’s just a shame Clark’s not here too! Superman says he’ll fill him in personally, and that he gives Clark a lot of credit since it “takes a man of REAL METAL to face the Man of Steel!”

Lulz are had and all is right with the world.

 

Join us next time for another story in which Supergirl’s Horse shows off his power of being Super Creepy!

 

In Which Supergirl Dates a Horse

Hey everyone, Tom here. Today’s the day I’ve been putting off for awhile, covering “The Day Super-Horse Became Human”. I just wasn’t sure how to handle it. But honestly, it turned out to be a decent story, especially for a backup. Of course, I’m a sucker for a Western, and this is most definitely a western story.

 

To start off with, however, I’d like to talk about the inside front cover of this issue. This one, as I stated before, features a group of youths coming out of a Bob Hope show, and one tough that apparently didn’t go. The tough kicks the crap out of one of the other’s legs and laughs, to which another of the boys responds that he should follow the Golden Rule. The tough starts bashing on the Golden rule, talking about how it’s just a silly rule from ‘One Religion’ rather than a law or something! But wait! It’s Bob Hope!

 

Bob Hope schools the kid with the anecdote that he’s been all over the world and witnessed many religions with a similar rule, even going so far as to produce a scroll with inscriptions of the Golden Rule as taken from Christianity, Buddhism, Judaism, and Islam (Yes, Islam!) and then states that it IS a Law, the Law of Humanity.

 

All in all, a pretty decent little lesson from Bob Hope sponsored by the National Social Welfare Assembly.

 

Not a bad cover piece Action Comics, not bad at all.

Now though, we get into the bulk of the story. It’s a Supergirl backup again, as was common in this era. As was also common, there are no credits for the writers, artists, inkers, or editors. This story was written, according to the DC Comics Database, by Leo Dorfman, and was Pencilled and Inked by Jim Mooney. This story features Super-Horse, Supergirl, the sorceress Circe, and a bandit named The Hooded Demon, as well as no less than 4 panels of nothing but Supergirl kissing someone! In all honesty, Supergirl seems like kind of a hussy for 1964 in this issue.

 

So the story starts off with a title panel that lists the title and a little background information. Basically that Comet the Super-Horse will be turning into a man, falling in love with Supergirl and that “That is just the beginning of a weird chain of events.”

 

See, the comic even identifies that this story is weird. Super-Weird. I wonder if that’s one of Supergirl’s powers too?

 

But yeah, this story is weird.

So anyway, this story is identified as a part of the Valentine’s Day event for 1964, and as such, starts off with Linda Danvers’ (Supergirl’s) two boyfriends (that’s right, TWO boyfriends!) showing up at her house with chocolates and flowers for Valentine’s Day. Dick Malverne (the misogynist from the movies from the last Supergirl review!) and another fella named Sandy Powers don’t even understand what’s about to happen with Linda, and their attempts to woo her will ultimately be ill fated in the face of the other folks interested in her. Namely, we find that in the next panel, when Supergirl shows up at the Daily Planet, the whole WORLD has sent her Valentine’s presents! We get a nice cameo from Lois, Clark, and a decidedly more sober Perry here, and move on.

Supergirl is next seen flying a giant mail sack full of gifts to the Fortress of Solitude. Where we glimpse Comet for the first time. He’s reading her mind and states that he knows she deserves all the love and adoration. Before Comet can put the moves on his lady love (eeewww) she gets a call from someone called Jerro in Atlantis!

 

Flying off to Atlantis, Supergirl finds that Jerro has trained fish to spell out a love message with fish! Fish? Wow… they know how to get romantic in Atlanti… wait… Supergirl is into this?

Apparently, because she lays a big wet one (they ARE underwater!) on Jerro as Comet lurks in the background watching his m’lady.

Both Supergirl and Comet rise from the sea, and Super-Horse laments the fact that he’s a horse rather than a man. But he has an idea! He’ll fly through the time rainbow (seriously) to find the sorceress Circe in Ancient Greece!

 

Circe is best known as the sorceress from Homer’s Odyssey who turned his crew into pigs. She’s also best known to mostly dudes my age as that bad guy from Justice League Unlimited that turned Wonder Woman into a pig and made Batman sing old jazz tunes to get her back. (In an episode awesomely titled “This Little Piggy”)

So off to the time rainbow he goes! He meets Circe in Ancient Greece where he gets a potion that will turn him human. This is evidenced by the fact that Circe is holding an infant she claims used to be a baby lamb and will be given to a nearby childless family. Nice to know Circe was out trying to ruin it for the DINKS of 2500 years ago!

Super-Horse takes the potion and flies back into the time rainbow after Circe warns him he’ll regret his decision and she’ll be watching him (because she can apparently see the future too) and turn him back when he’s ready. Thus setting us up for the status quo to be maintained at the end of the issue. (Spoilers – Comet turns back into a horse.)

 

Flying through the time rainbow, Comet begins to lose his memory as a side effect of the potion. (What?) and crashes down into an open field and quickly realizes he’s crashed through the ground into an untapped oil field. Dick Cheney shows up, kills Comet, and takes the oil for himself

The End

Wait… no… nevermind

 

Comet surfaces from the oil and is now coated in it, and appears to be a black horse.

 

So Comet is black now. That’s as close as we’re getting to that innuendo in this post.

 

Black, oil coated, amnesiac, Comet begins walking around aimlessly, thinking there was something he was meant to do when who should come across him, but a local bandit! The bandit, going by the name The Hooded Demon! Very Intimidating. He’s just broken out of jail and knows the local police will be looking for him. The Hooded Demon, who saw Comet fly in, recalls a local legend about a Devil Horse, and believes Comet must be said horse. To prove this theory, he approaches Comet (who is just looking for someone to help him get the oil off of him) and SETS HIM ON FIRE.

Yes, he actually just sets Comet on fire. His logic is that Devil=Fire so fire must not hurt the Devil Horse. Not even thinking “Hey, there’s a chance here I’m just setting some Horse on fire for no good reason.” This guy is a serious sociopath for that reason alone.

 

On one of the better panels of art I’ve seen in the Silver Age, Comet is fully ablaze and the Hooded Demon is having his mind blown by the fact the Horse isn’t hurt. And then has his mind blown further when Comet emerges from the flames white. He must be the Devil Horse! And since Hooded Demon saw him change color, now Comet is his Devil Horse. For good measure though he shoots Comet in the face.

 

Using Super-Horse’s powers, Hooded Demon robs a train. In the ensuing flight, Comet’s powers begin to go haywire thanks to the potions and both he and the Hooded Demon are shot in their respective shoulders. Once back in his cave hideout, the Hooded Demon changes clothes and goes to look for medical assistance in town and leaves Comet to die, when suddenly, he changes into a tall, muscular, very naked man.

 

Comet steals the Hooded Demon’s clothes, minus the hood, and heads out where he finds a cabin and a man inside to patch him up. Comet has to run though when the police come, and the man fingers him as the Hooded Demon since their clothes and wounds match. Comet steals, or rather ‘borrows’ a horse that surprisingly looks exactly like his ‘horse mode’ and runs off.

Comet then comes upon, who else, Linda Danvers (Supergirl’s!) tour group, who happen to be touring the mountains! Comet identifies himself as Bronco Bill, a tour guide who knows the mountains well, and begins touring Supergirl’s group through various vistas, all the while flirting like the dickens with Linda!

Soon, they share their first smooch, and by the end of the afternoon they’re in love. Local legend apparently states that if two people pass under a waterfall and see a rainbow, then it’s true love. Supergirl is so taken with Bronco Bill that she uses her heat vision specifically to kick steam into the air and form a magnificent rainbow! It must be true love. Bronco Bill thinks to himself how wrong Circe was, and how great it is to be a real boy.

Later that afternoon, Bronco Bill spots the posse, and not believing that Supergirl would believe his story that he used to be her horse, he decides running is a better idea. He jumps on the horse he ‘borrowed’ (the book says borrowed, but he straight stole that horse. Which, by the by, also looks like Comet) and flees!

The posse runs into Supergirl’s group, and tells them about the Hooded Demon. Supergirl sneaks off and changes into her Super-Outfit and begins looking for Bronco Bill, who the posse identified as the villain. Once she catches up to him, he leads her through the Cheney Oil fields in an attempt to get away. Supergirl though, suddenly drops from the sky, her powers waning. Apparently a stray piece of Kryptonite bubbled up through the oil and is now sapping Supergirl’s powers!

 

If only Comet was still a horse! His regret is spotted thousands of years in the past, and Circe uses her Crystal Ball, a potion, and some sort of timey wimey jiggery pokery to change Bronco Bill back into Comet the Super-Horse!

 

Comet kicks the Kryptonite away and saves Supergirl. In the final panel, we can see that even though Supergirl thought Bronco Bill was a villain, his name was cleared when the posse captured the real one. Supergirl thinks fondly about Bronco Bill, and how they had shared something wonderful. All the while, Comet stands behind her trying to figure out a way for “Bronco Bill” to return once again.

 

Creepy.

In Which Superman gets Stoned and Takes Over the World!

Hey everybody, Tom here. I know it’s been a week since my last post, but I’ve been dealing with sick baby here, so there’s not been much time for old comics between that and work. All things considered though, he’s doing well. I just wish he’d nap again.

 

At any rate, this week we’ll be talking about Action Comics 311. We’ll be covering the main story today, since the backup is requiring a little finagling on my part to keep it G rated. You’ll see why when we get there. This issue has a cover date of April, 1964, features the 12 cent price typical of Silver Age books, and of course, has the Comics Code Authority approval sticker in the top right corner. That means wholesome family fun everyone! We’ll talk about the CCA in a special post sometime, but just be aware, they’re basically the censors for comics.

 

Again, there’s no credit given for the talent behind this particular book, but the DC Comics database lists Robert Bernstein as the writer, George Klein on Inks, and Curt Swan on pencils as well as this fantastic cover. I’ve included the cover in the pictures for this post, but I’m going to talk about it anyway. Superman has declared himself King of Earth Apparently and is decreeing that every flag be replaced with the Superman Flag! I’m not entirely sure why such a thing exists, but I’m assuming the UN created it so that they’d have something to fly for Supergirl when she saved the world from the Plasmos of Mutor after that sweet killing spree she went on!

 

(Editor’s Note: See Last Post — Continuity Tom!)

 

At Superman’s feet, the leaders of the world are laying jewels, under his Super-Buttock is a sweet throne, emblazoned with his emblem, and atop the head of the Metropolis Marvel rests the most magnificent Pope hat I do believe I’ve ever seen. Let’s roll out the white smoke because Benedict and his bedazzled pallium ain’t got nothing on the Man of Steel’s Mitre.

Anyway, the inside front cover is an anti-bullying message brought to you my Bob Hope and features a lesson in religious tolerance!

 

IF ONLY MORE PEOPLE HAD READ COMICS! DONALD WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO PREY ON RELIGIOUS ANXIETIES!!

 

He probably would. But thanks for trying anyway Bob Hope. We’ll talk about this in the next post when we talk about Supergirl and her weird dating habits.

 

So the story begins with an opening panel of Superman carving a statue unto himself (replete with Pope Hat!) and people wondering what made him lose his mind in such a way that he would make the demand that the UN (why the UN? Seriously? These guys are apparently super important in the writer’s mind, likely because they were all that stood between the world and nuclear holocaust in the early 60s. So what did happen? Well, continue to the next panel dear reader and see where the story begins!

 

Which is apparently a weird Thailand analog where Clark and Jimmy Olsen are watching a processional as the King of said nation passes. Everyone bows, and Jimmy suggests that he and Clark do the same. Clark however, is future channeling the Republican Party! He says “Bow? Not me! As an American, I don’t have to grovel before anyone!” Wow… way to up the ante on undue nationalism there Clark.

But wait! As the border guards chuck him out of the country (and presumably into one where he doesn’t have a visa and is present illegally) he thinks to himself that the only reason he did this was to get away from Jimmy and change into Superman! It’s good to know Clark isn’t a Trump voter. Apparently Clark had used his Super-Vision (yup, that’s a thing here) to check out his digs at the Fortress of Solitude and saw some warning lights going off. He flies there and sees that a Red Kryptonite Meteor is about to hit the Earth!

 

Okay, a word about Kryptonite. There are several varieties in Pre-Crisis (Crisis you say? What’s that? We’ll talk about it.) continuity, and I’ll list some here.

 

Green- Kills Kryptonians

Red- Causes strange effects on Kryptonians, these are essentially random and can be        .                  .         essentially any effect a writer intends to use. Never affects an individual the same way     .        .         twice

Gold- Robs Kryptonians of their powers permanently (Pre-Crisis)

White- Kills plant life… ALL plant life

Blue- Bizarro Kryptonite

 

While there are several other varieties, those are the major ones. The ones at play here will be the red, green, and Gold. Oh yeah, there’s also silver. Which apparently makes Kryptonians high as balls making Superman Super-Hungry as well as Super-Hallucinate-ey. That doesn’t factor in here, but it does give me the giggles to think about.

 

So… back to the story.

 

Superman has discovered these Red Kryptonite meteors falling to Earth. If only there were a way to immunize himself against the effects of Red K! Maybe there is! Superman has, after all, been storing some Red K that once split him into a Good but powerless Clark Kent, and a megalomaniacal evil Superman for 72 hours before they were rejoined that he’s been experimenting with!

 

Superman – using his Super-Logic (facepalm) decides that if he melts some Red K using acid, and then huffing the fumes, that he’ll be immunized forever! Let me repeat that. Superman will cure himself of a Kryptonite weakness by huffing the daylights out of some Kryptonite. Did I mention this book had the Comics Code Sticker on the front? Apparently in 1964 it really was okay for little Johnny to carry around his paper bag and can of spray paint! Seriously. There is a panel (included in the pictures) where Superman is VISIBLY making sniff noises over the fumes of this Red K. CCA, Where you at?

And I thought it was the Silver K that made you high.

 

The Red K, it’s chemical composition slightly changed, causes a reaction within Superman! He splits again into a good Clark and an evil Superman, but this time, as Evil Superman apparently knows, it’s Permanent! Oh no! But what if this time it’s Clark that’s Super? What then evil Superm…. Oh… you took Clark outside into the Arctic and let him freeze his butt off to prove you’re still the Super one… got it. Moving on then.

The Evil Superman proceeds to seal the Superman Emergency Squad (Who? Oh man… just you wait. They’re amazing in all the best ways!) inside Kandor (Shrunken bottle city, remember?) and destroys all the goody-good Superman robots since they’re programmed to do good. With no one left to oppose the evil Superman, Clark reaches for the Phantom Zone projector, only to find it crushed and his hand potentially broken as Superman takes a huge bite of scenery with his dialogue: “I’d kill you for that Kent, but since we were once the same man, I might destroy myself by destroying you! I can’t risk taking that chance!” Superman decides the best thing to do is to fly very high and very fast, trailing Clark behind him so that the now powerless Kent passes out in the thin, cold air.

 

Coming to on a Coast Guard (American maybe? It’s not specified.) vessel. Clark is curious to know what Superman is up to. The Captain informs him that Superman said he should listen to the radio. Yep… that was the message. Listen to the radio. No time, no station. Just, “Hey, tell him when he wakes up to tune into Ryan Seacrest talking about someone confusing Helen Hunt with Jodie Foster!” (That actually happened this weekend btdubs.) Apparently what Superman wanted him to hear is that he’s called a meeting of the United Stations and it’s been scheduled so that Clark could have made it home, heard about it, and made it there in plenty of time! Thus making this whole sequence unnecessary. But still…

 

At the UN, Superman is cheered by all until he makes the pronouncement that he’s tired of saving everyone’s bacon without recognition and demands to be elected King of Earth. Dennis the Peasant immediately informs Superman that you don’t vote for king, to which Superman responds that he is blessed by a watery tart handing out swords. (that last bit only happened in my head.The UN of course rejects this idea out of hand, and refuses to believe that the man before them is even Superman. Until he takes off his boot!

 

Wait… what?

That’s right! Superman proves his identity by taking off his boot, waggling it around a bit, smashing the podium with it, and then continuing to wave it about as the image of him doing so goes out to the world. Now, I’m no expert on other cultures. I grew up in Kentucky, and am pretty familiar with Hawai’ian Culture, or at least Oahuan Culture having lived there for a few years. And I’m pretty sure I don’t REALLY know what’s going on here, but I’m guessing that Superman’s boot is also somehow Super. Maybe Super dense or something? I really don’t know. The best I can put forth is this: showing the soles of your feet is incredibly insulting in some cultures. Especially in the Middle East or Southeast Asia. I’m told one of the reasons the Somalis were so pissed off at the Americans during the whole Mogadishu Incident that led to the events of Black Hawk Down was because American Soldiers were riding around in helicopters with their feet dangling… just letting the whole city see what they really thought of them!

 

And don’t forget about that guy that threw his shoe at President Bush! (W. not H.W.)

 

So the shoe thing… if you have ANY idea what’s happening there, please let me know. I’ll endeavor to ask someone who may know

 

At this point, people across the world are shocked to see The Man of Steel behaving in such a way, and back at the UN, Lois even states she believes Superman to be a “Disgrace to America!” As she’s saying this, Clark runs off to find the American UN Delegate whom he convinces that he has information that will allow the government to thwart Superman’s designs on becoming King!

Previously, Superman had apparently built a vault at the Pentagon which no one but Superman had the combination to, and that could not be broken into since it was made of strange alien metal. It is to this vault that the powerless and completely human (somehow… xenobiology man…) Clark Kent leads the military officials he’s talking to. Clark knows the combination and writes this off due to the fact that he was close to Superman. Inside the safe, Gold Kryptonite to rob Superman of his powers and Green Kryptonite to kill him if necessary.

 

The military, however, refuses to use this weapon (What??!) on the grounds that Superman hasn’t done anything illegal (WHAT!!??). The weapon will go unused for now.

 

Back at the UN, the body has deadlocked on SUperman becoming King of Earth. They’ll hold another vote tomorrow, giving Superman a chance to threaten everyone in an effort to bully them into voting ‘yes’ on the next vote. He does this by using his Red K enhanced (okay…) Super-Breath to freeze a wall of ice through the middle of the desert and then across the ocean!

 

Having seen this Super-Deed, the UN still says they need more time to debate, so Superman arranges another Super-Deed. This time by destroying a mock New York City built for missile testing in ‘Red China’. Yup…. ‘Red China’. Jimmy, ever the ridiculous optimist decides Superman has done this so that it can’t be used for target practice!

 

Go jump in a lake Silver Age Jimmy.

I’m so glad you get better in the late 80s.

 

Clark knows better though, and states that Superman is showing the world what will happen to its greatest cities if they don’t give into Superman. Supes then runs into Lois outside the UN and brushes her off completely, but promises to meet her at her place as soon as he can. Which he immediately does in the very next panel!

 

Lois points out that the world is grateful, and that he’s been showered with gifts. Yet these gifts are not enough, and he’s determined to be King! He’ll prove how far he’ll go to gain this end by exploding a “Super Nuclear Bomb” at White Sands Missile Range in the morning.

 

Side note. I’ve been to White Sands Missile Range. There is nothing there. It would be an excellent place for a Super-Nuclear Bomb to go off as it would add a warm glow to an otherwise desolate landscape.

 

Superman shows up just as the military is evacuating the area leaving only Clark and Lois at the base in order to bear witness to the explosion. (Why is the military so freaking irresponsible here? Seriously.) Locking himself inside the missile casing, Superman flies into a mountain, leveling it completely with his Super-Nuclear payload. I’ve very glad they specifically state that Superman has in his possession a nuclear warhead (quest for peace…. QUEST FOR PEACE!!!) otherwise I might think that Super-Nuclear Bomb was one of his powers. Which it wouldn’t be until 2015. (New 52 lol).

In light of this, and although “It’s against everything the UN stands for!” Superman is Elected King of Earth (cue the Monty Python Jokes.) Superman is then seen at a marble quarry not far from Metropolis carving out the world’s largest statue of… Superman! COmplete with Pope Hat accessory! And shields everywhere. Though Clark and Jimmy remark that it’s an incredibly narcissistic display, they do take the time to admit that Superman’s sculpting ability is on fleek. (Yeah, on fleek…. Wanna fight about it!?) So he has that as a fallback if this whole ‘King’ bit falls through!

 

The scene from the cover is repeated here where it is stated that this is Superman’s coronation, and we see the in story moment when Superman declares that all flags are to be replaces with the “Hooray for Supergirl (again, see last post – Continuity Tom!) I mean Superman” Banner. Everyone does so and Superman flies off just as Clark starts thinking that the world shouldn’t have to bow down to such a tyrant. Lois sees that Clark is Super pissed, and he then becomes even more so when he sees Superman has built a wall and dome over the palace to protect himself.

 

Now, Clark is resolved to defeat Superman: King of Earth, and calls a meeting in the Planet basement where old lead parts to printing presses will keep Superman from finding out his plans… which seems to be to lead Jimmy, Perry, and Lois in an uprising against his worse half!

And then the issue ends.

 

That’s it folks, you can leave. The rest of the story will be continued in Action Comics 312 which we’ll be taking a look at next week. Hopefully this weekend we’ll get our backup feature which gives us an EXTREMELY uncomfortable look at Supergirl’s love life and musings on what it’s like to live life as a telepathic magic horse.

 

Again, thanks for reading, I hope you’re appreciating these recaps and the insights, jokes, and pith I put into them. If you are, please let me know. You can comment here, or on the facebook page. You can even LIKE the facebook page if you want at http://www.facebook.com/thisoldcomic

 

Thanks again!

Tom

 

In Which Supergirl Goes on a Killing Spree!

Okay, let’s’ talk about Supergirl for a moment. I like Supergirl pretty well, and she’s been a relatively interesting character as I grew up. I saw Supergirl mainly showing up in the excellent cartoon series produced by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm, with storyboarding work by Darwyn Cooke. She grew from an irresponsible teenager in Superman to an excellently developed character in Justice League Unlimited who joined up with the Legion of Superheroes in the episode Far From Home. One of my favorite episodes of the Cartoon Justice League Unlimited was an episode where she palled around with Green Arrow and The Question the entire episode (Fearful Symmetry), although this may be because of my irrational love for Green Arrow, which we will be discussed when we get to the issue that made me fall in love with Green Arrow in the first place, and because Jeffrey Combs is seriously just the best. I love you Weyoun.

 

Supergirl, however, has her roots in the trend of making female counterparts to male heroes at the beginning of the Silver Age of Comics. There were actually three “Super Females” before the Supergirl we know as Kara Zor-El. One was Lois Lane, who had a Blood Transfusion from Superman, that apparently didn’t just straight up kill her as would be expected when people go all willy nilly shooting alien blood into their arteries. The second, in an oddly forward thinking book (which will all be undone in Maid of Doom!) Superboy is turned into a girl by an alien when she ‘overhears?’ him thinking poorly about women drivers. Sure is nice to know stereotypes were alive and well in the 1950’s. Turns out that was all a dream though.

 

Finally, DC tested the idea of a full time Supergirl with an issue of a type that I like to call a “Jimmy Olsen Wish Fulfillment Special!” Seriously, Jimmy has some really strange adventures, most of which are based around him trying to make his wildest dreams come true. I hate Jimmy in the Silver Age…

 

At any rate, Jimmy wishes a Supergirl into existence, who then dies in the same issue saving Superman from a Kryptonite Meteor. DC Editorial must have had some extra space in their fridge that week.

 

All three of you that got that, enjoy a high five on me.

 

Apparently, the Jimmy Olsen Wish Fulfillment thing worked out pretty well, and DC decided to introduce Kara Zor-El, Superman’s Cousin, who would fill the role of Supergirl until her death in 1985 during the Crisis on Infinite Earths. (Marv Wolfman took his leftovers home for the weekend.)

 

Take another high five all you Major Force fans!

 

That basically brings us to this story, The Maid of Doom! published , again, in November 1963 as a backup story to The Great Superman Impersonation. It was written by, at least as far as I can tell, Leo Dorfman, who was probably one of the most prolific writers that had a hand in Superman and Family throughout the Silver Age. He gave us the amazing book Lois Lane: Superman’s girlfriend, who’s tone makes Mad Men look downright progressive in it’s treatment of women, and that certainly carries over here.

 

The story starts off with Supergirl, in her Linda Lee Danvers alias on a date with her beau, Dick Malverne headed to a scary monster movie! Apparently scary monster movie in 1963 consisted of green legged Dungeons and Dragons monsters. The movie itself was called The Creature from the Black Galaxy! And prompted Supergirl to inform Dick that she’ll “Try not to be frightened”. Oh Supergirl.

 

A quick interjection – I don’t know much about femenism, and I don’t know much abotu how to write about it in a manner that both gives it the respect and credit it deserves while at the same time, not sounding like an idiot talking about something he doesn’t know about. I’ll say this though, I know something that’s patently sexist and probably shouldn’t be said when I see it, and seriously, Supergirl’s dialogue here…. Holy crap…. Seriously… I…. just look at the panels yourself, I’ve uploaded some pictures.

 

After the date, and a couple more remarks that smack of mild sexism, Supergirl remembers she has a mission! That mission? Fly across the UNIVERSE from galaxy to freaking galaxy and deliver messages of peace from Earth! I’m pretty sure Neil DeGrasse Tyson just pooped himself a little thinking about the speeds that would be required to do such a thing…

 

So Supergirl takes off with ‘films and tapes’ (since other planets have the ability to play these!) on behalf of the United Nations (again, since they’re aware of hostile planets in other GALAXIES) and begins her mission. We already know that this book in particular was very UN friendly given the front cover comic, but this is getting ridiculous, and Supergirl hasn’t even gone on her killing spree yet!

 

What? I hadn’t brought that up yet? Yeah, Supergirl is going to go on a killing spree here in a minute.

 

Supergirl’s first stop is the planet Mutor. On this planet, which is apparently very hostile and the inhabitants are ‘probably’ plotting an ambush, Supergirl doesn’t find anyone to give her peace message to, so responsibly leaves the canister she’s carrying in what amounts to an open field. Very on point with your duties there Supergirl.

 

Still, when she files off, she noticed a second capsule on the ground next to where she left the first one. Then she remembers that the Plasmos of Mutor are “Proto-Plasmic beings that can change to any shape at will!” and deduces that the second capsule is just one of the Plasmos pretending to be a capsule.

 

“Then after a long space journey” (as the book says) Supergirl heads to the mile world where those creatures that ate the Millennium Falcon about 15 years later have hollowed out a planet where they can eat their fill of minerals (and probably Nylocks) and decides to leave the second capsule laying about there.

 

Finally, or rather as the book states “Shortly in another galaxy” (How fast is she moving!?) Supergirl finally hands over a capsule to someone responsible. One of the shadow people who is ‘surrounded by an aura of radiation’ as apparently every everything on the planet is radioactive, but Supergirl can take it!

 

Finally Supergirl returns home where she finds Streaky the Super-Cat waiting for her outside her secret tunnel that she uses to change into Supergirl. That’s right! I forgot to talk about the Super-Pets! Apparently cats, dogs, and horses are all Super in the Silver Age!

 

So Streaky the Super-Cat, purring contentedly and waiting for Supergirl just wants a little pat, but when the Maid of Might obliges her feline friend, Streaky drops dead. Yup, Supergirl killed her pet kitty. Mind you, all these animals are intelligent and sentient, so yes, Supergirl just murdered her buddy Streaky. Suddenly, Krypto shows up! That’s right, Krypto! The Super-Dog! Streaky’s corpse is still on panel here, which is an important plot hole for later.

 

Krypto, in greeting Supergirl licks her hand, then he too drops dead! A single tear rolls down Supergirl’s cheek as she realizes that she must be radioactive from visiting that last planet and is murdering her friends. So logically, she goes home to see her mother!

 

Dear old adoptive Mom is cooking meth or somesuch in this panel as she’s surrounded by beakers and flasks and whatnot. Despite Supergirl’s warning not to touch her, Mom comforts Supergirl and then drops… wait… no, she’s fine. Apparently Supergirl’s radioactivity only effects Super-beings! Mom agrees to come investigate Streaky and Krypto’s corpses but they’ve disappeared. Given the forested area in which they dropped dead, I’d reckon a bear got them. That bear is now Super thanks to consuming their blood (just like Lois in the 1943 story where she became Super-Woman!) and is now rampaging through the woods. That’s not in the book, it’s just my idea and plays in nicely to the fact that Bears are the number one threat to America. Especially Super-Bears.

 

Regardless, their bodies are gone, and Mom thinks Supergirl might be hallucinating under the effects of Red Kryptonite. In order to check this, she flies to Superman’s Fortress of Solitude and uses the Kryptonite detector Superman invented (okay… we’ll just accept this one on face value) to check herself out. She’s clean, which means that yes, she did in fact murder Streaky and Krypto. Also Mr. Mxyzptlk who shows up in the next panel in order to tell Supergirl he has nothing to do with this, and neither does Circe who is visiting the 5th Dimension!

 

I’m not sure why Mxyzptlk shows up in this, and I’m not sure why Google Docs accepts Mxyzptlk as an actual word, but good on you Google! Still, here he is, the imp from the 5th dimension who to this day has Gilbert Godfrey’s voice in my head. Supergirl doesn’t believe his and grabs his shoulders which causes him to straight up die. We’ve moved on from murdering animals to actual people… imp… things. This is some serious serial killer behavior Supergirl. I’m becoming very concerned that you think it’s okay to just run around touching people.

 

Finally getting it through her head that she’s dangerous, Supergirl decides to fly through the time-barrier and exile herself in the past. She decides to leave Superman a message on her tape recorder (so advanced!) and  she records it, Comet the Super Horse shows up! (Oh Silver Age, you so crazy.)

 

Comet and Supergirl have a weird relationship. Comet can turn into a human named Bill Starr who sometimes dates Supergirl, but is also a horse who talks to her telepathically and is Supergirl’s pet. The 60’s were weird man. So Supergirl’s magic telepathic horse-boyfriend shows up and is convinced that the radiation can’t hurt him but “Careful, Supergirl… That microphone wire is tangled around your foot! If you should stumble!”

 

The Super-Klutz does indeed trip and falls on Comet, which kills him. In his final breath, he essentially curses life saying “What did I do… to deserve this?”

 

Superman shows up at this point. Will Supergirl kill the Man of Steel!? No! And because Superman and the Legion go into the past, and Supergirl’s dangerous presence would inconvenience them slightly, Superman convinces Supergirl to go into the Phantom Zone instead. Interestingly, Supergirl brings up Mon-El at this point, who Superman sent into the Phantom Zone until he could find a way to rid him of lead poisoning. There’s even a flashback where Superman sends him into the Phantom Zone, and then a special appearance by Brainiac 5 who finally freed Mon-El after a thousand years of exile! Superman’s track record here isn’t exactly stellar. Superman needed to spend less time on Kryptonite detectors and machines that turn Lois into a black woman (yes… that happened… it also apparently ended racism.)

 

Supergirl flies off to the Fortress of Solitude to get the Phantom Zone projector since she’s contaminated the fortress with her radiation. She soon brings it back, and is projected into the Phantom Zone. Supergirl is gone.

 

But wait! Superman, still holding the Phantom Zone projector suddenly changes into a Plasmo of Mutor! It was all a ruse! And now the Plasmo’s have a Phantom Zone projector! In a flashback, we see the Plasmo’s having a shape changing competition in which Team Adam and Team Blake’s contestants face off in an attempt to decide who will get to kill Supergirl. The Flashback shows that the Plasmo who won had been behind the whole thing, convincing Superman and the Super-Pets while disguised as Supergirl into flying into the future where Kandor could be brought back to full size (Kandor is a Kryptonian city shrunk down and stuck in a  bottle… don’t ask. I blame Rick Moranis.)

 

The Plasmo then tricks Supergirl into thinking she’d gone on a murderous rampage and convinces her she has to go to the Phantom Zone while disguised as Superman.

 

Back on Mutor, the Plasmo reports back to Adam, Blake, Cee-Lo, and Shakira that he has killed Supergirl and stolen a Phantom Zone projector when who should show up, but Supergirl! It turns out she was listening to the tapes and heard Comet’s voice. Since Comet only communicates telepathically she knew it was all a trick! She quickly built a fake projector and used her super speed to trick the Plasmo into thinking she was gone. Since Supergirl had successfully tricked the Mutor leadership, the immediately declare peace and Supergirl flies back to Earth to find Superman and the SUper-Pets alive and well, and the UN, who has apparently already heard of the declared peace has raised a flag in her honor at UN headquarters!

 

Thus ends the story of the Maid of Doom. While surprisingly, this was a cohesive story that was a lot of fun to read, the tropes were simply too much for me. It was an enjoyable look at Supergirl, but seriously, there were some shenanigans in this issue that simply can’t be overlooked in a critical analysis. But hey, it’s a comic book, and it’s the Silver Age. Let’s just accept the ridiculousness for what it is.

 

Next time, more ridiculousness! Action Comics 311 featuring “Superman, King of Earth!” a special front cover comic featuring Bob Hope, and the oddly creepy Supergirl backup story “The Day Super-Horse Became Human!”